Like grains of sand.

Time seems to go so quickly. I can't believe it is July.
I berate myself for lack of achievement, and feel I have done little with the time I've been given. I'm not in the best place at the moment, so the guilt is immense, and I beat myself up over it constantly, feeding the cycle and making me feel even worse.

I love my brain.

It always reminds me of this excellent post - I often feel like I have my own little Egbert (or maybe Englebert, a cousin twice-removed?) working away diligently, turning my thoughts to venom. Little shit.

Realistically, I have only myself to blame - I will quite happily advise others of the importance of diet, exercise, sleep and making time for the good things in life, whilst neglecting all of these things myself and then wondering why I feel so awful. I feel different, too. Very irritable, panicky, nervous of everything, snappy, agitated. I'm holding it together, but I can feel the pressure building and the cracks have started appearing, the seams are coming apart, it's only a matter of time.

The motivation to make changes, to tackle it head on, seems to have completely deserted me. I tell myself over and over that I should be proud of myself, that I can do whatever I put my mind to, but it feels so false. I tell myself that the ideas about people hating me, being out to get me, the things I think I should feel so guilty about, those are the false ideas, but they are the ones that see, so real.

I have done things I should be proud of - I had a promotion at work at the beginning of the year, I've been at this place for 19 months and not had time off for mental health problems, I've been off medication for about 17 months. I've had bad periods and I've weathered it and made it through relatively unscathed.

But this feels different, and it scares me.

Fidgetting is good for the soul

So, long time between posts again. Not going to beat myself up about it, this blog is and always has been predominantly for my own use and for venting, so it's probably a good sign.

I can't keep still this evening. I have done several loads of laundry today, washing up, a "quick clean up" which ended up with me washing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees because somehow it seemed better than using the mop, cleaned the living room windows and patio doors, started cleaning the blinds, couldn't concentrate, came on here rather than making a series of embarressing facebook posts etc...

Not quite sure what to do right now but figured writing was better use for this energy than starjumps or tapping out rhythms to any sound I can hear. I wish I knew how to write properly, engage people, tell a story but I guess I just don't do it enough.

I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Fuck it.

Looking Forward

I have been sorting through my past Uni notes, and it has been a stark reminder of how unwell I was for portions of my course. It's brought up a lot of emotions, including some anger about the lack of support I received at times, and the lack of insight I actually had. I had six ringbinders filled with detailed notes, as well as copies of all my essays, and the contrast between these "well" periods, and the blank pages and scrawled half-notes of my unwell periods shocked me.

 I often think of myself as having good insight, but that is not really the case - in reality, I seem to have insight when I start becoming unwell, but it gets to a point where I am unable to fully comprehend how unwell I actually am. I remember my Connexions worker talking to me about how I was after going through a really bad period (back when I stopped eating), and thinking that she was laying it on a bit thick. People who meet me when well are understandably unable to understand that I can become very unwell. I isolate almost completely when unwell, and if I do venture out I tend to get very panicked and slightly paranoid in any social situations - hence I avoid them. My Psychiatrist has never seen me when I have been very unwell - only on the way down or the long road back up.

Looking through those old notes, and back at a younger, often more vunerable "me" has made me think about this blog and it's use as a tool, a record. I have thrown the notes (I'm never allowed back to nursing, that has been made quite clear), but kept the essays as a reminder of what I am capable of. Hopefully they will be counted towards an Open University course in the not-too-distant future. I have thrown the old diaries, filled with activities, meetings with friends and family, during well periods and vast empty pages when ill. I am prone to self-depreciation - that's an understatement, I am my own worst enemy - I don't need the evidence of failing surrounding me. So, in future, I'll keep the good stuff - not necessarily big acheivements, but acheivements none the less.

100th Post, and it's not good...

Got the appeal result yesterday, and I failed.


So, bye bye MH Nursing.

Hello.... Something?
Not sure what yet.
Still sinking in to some degree.

Need to find out if I can use what I passed as credits for anything else.
Need a bloody job too.

Truth

I've never had a talent.
I've been good, academically, but with every depression my mind has atrophied, faltered, failed.
My A's reduced to B's, to E's and to fails.

Now my physical health, constant colds and infections, is what steals my future.

I sound so bloody melodramatic, but fuck it. That's how it feels.

End of the line?

After almost 3 years of training, just 2 months from qualifying, I may have finally messed it up.
I've been referred to the Conduct Board meeting due to extended sickness and absence during this final placement.
I've not been off work due to mental health problems, but due to flu followed by a rather nasty chest infection. I've clocked up 3 weeks of absence, and I fear that this coupled with my abysmal attendance during the earlier half of the course due to depression may be the end of the dream for me.

I love my job - in many ways it has changed my life, and the idea of losing it now is hard to stomach. I've stayed on medication (Venlafaxine) for a lot longer than I would have been happy to otherwise, in order to keep my place at Uni. However, I'm not happy to work when I know my health (physical or mental) would make me unable to do my job as well as I'd like to.

I know I can be a good nurse, and I have worked hard to get this far, but I also know that sickness and absence is what has cost me a job in the past, and what will probably cost me this one.

I'm hoping for a minor miracle.

Don't make a mole out of a hole...

... As a nursing collegue quoted earlier.

I'm on placement now, its an team which works within the early intervention in psychosis model. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, or was, until this weekend.

My mental health seems to be taking a bit of a kicking, not helped by the fact that one of my previous consultants works within the team. I'm unsure whether he has recognised me or not, and am unsure whether to speak to him about it.
I was having some issues with racing/intrusive thoughts earlier today, and over the weekend, which lead to an arguement with my other half. We have sorted things out now, it was silly really, but I am extremely sensitive to criticism at the moment due to the critical, even abusive thoughts in my head.
I often wonder, given my borderline-psychotic presentation two years ago, whether my brain is gearing up for me starting to hear voices. I don't hear voices currently, however my intrusive, self-abusing thoughts have increased with each episode and I have little control over them. I am able to combat them with CBT-based techniques, however this can be very consuming, to the point that I can't engage in a conversation as if I break my concentration on them they may win.

This is probably just me bing over-vigilant given my placement area, but it does concern me.

I'm also considering having future counselling/psychotherapy of some sort, as I have something lurking on the borders of my sub-concious which I was loathe to bring up in my previous sessions. Essentially, I think that the bullying I endured during primary school may have culminated in sexual as well as physical abuse. I have a disturbing image of being held down, and then feeling dirty and ashamed. Knowing it was wrong but not knowing what it was. I am not sure if these are false memories, my mind playing tricks or an overactive imagination. However I think it may be something I need to address in future.

Disappointment

Disappointment. If you don't get your hopes up, you may learn to avoid it.
Remember - not matter how much planning you do, it can and will go wrong.

I arranged my final placement a year ago. I persuaded the placement area to take students. I put my personal tutor and head of department in touch with the manager. I was told an audit would be carried out, and that it was all ok.

My tutor has just left. The placement-organiser was never informed.
They've given the placement to someone else.
They won't reconsider.


I am very disappointed.
Actually, I want to break stuff.

Please excuse me.
My boyfriend has put socks on his ears, and looks like a spaniel. Apparently, this is an apology and attempt to cheer me up, as he shouted at me that I was letting people walk all over me.

Urgh. Really can't afford to get sick right now.

Feeling pretty awful, sore throat, headache etc. Fingers crossed it's just a shortlived thing, but unfortunately it feels like it's getting worse... I really don't need any time off sick at the moment. It is the worst thing about being a student - making up any sick leave.

Ug. I had planned to write more today, but I think I'm just going to go to bed.

Is this a common experience for nursing students?

Do the majority of consultants and junior doctors you meet encourage you to study medicine?

Basically, at least six doctors have now seriously encouraged me to do the Graduate Entry Programme to medicine. At first, I thought nothing of it. Now, I'm starting to question whether, actually, I could be capable of it.

I want to go further than just the BSc Unclassified, most people reading this will know I was bitterly disappointed to not do the Honours degree. But, being a doctor? A Doctor? A Dr.? Little me?

Has anyone else encountered this? Has anyone else done it?

Feeling a bit brighter

Think two days off helped, although I now have VERY painful sunburn on my legs. I decided, as I'd burned the backs, I'd have to burn the fronts of my legs as well. Regretting it, can't believe I chose to get burnt. I don't recommend it. Next time I'll experiment with some fake tan instead... Ha. I'm usually so pale it's unreal, and now I'm pink instead :s


Unsure what to do about the horses... I'm going riding tomorrow after work so I'll see how things go then.

Work was a little better, but the individual who has been giving me some hassle is definately targetting me... Not sure if this is some kind of delusional thinking in the mania or just that I'm easy to intimidate? Maybe in his situation, feeling powerless, the only way to assert some power is over me?

Working on a male ward has been quite challenging - generally, I find male aggression difficult to handle. I'm getting more used to it, but I am the sort of person who flinches. I'm not sure if I've written about this much previously, but my Mum dated a guy after my parents split up who turned out to be an ex-alcoholic. He was lovely, until one night he started drinking. I was about 5 years old, and it was terrifying. I remember the aggression, and being so sure that my Mum would run, and I wouldn't be able to keep up. I wouldn't have blamed her for running.
Him grabbing her by the hair in the street, as she tried to walk away. Me clinging to her coat, being knocked over into the gutter as he swung her around, grazing my knee on the kerb. I think the fact that he had been so nice when sober made it harder, it was a betrayal of trust as well as an incident of aggression.

I think that is probably why I flinch.

Placement

I'm 4 weeks into an 8 week placement.
It was going well, but I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself.
I'm struggling with some of the recent admissions, mainly an individual who is very sexually disinhibited and another who is quite confrontational, and has spent all of this afternoon being very intimidating towards me.
I know they are unwell, but I am struggling as my mood has dipped.

Also, it appears that my share-horses owner no longer wants me - she has found two new younger sharers, one for each horse, and I feel increasingly unwanted.

A Review of Me, Myself and Blogging

Do you think the people at My Therapy are going to be celebrating their success this weekend? "Look at all the people who have signed up - our online diagnostic tool is BRILLLIIIAAAANNNNNNTTTTTTT!"

Such a shame.

I think tools like this are good for two things -
a. A bit of a laugh
b. Double-checking that yes, you are still a MENTAL.

So... I took their survey, and according to my, possibly unrealiable answers, have been diagnosed with;

- Bipolar II (Depressive)
I was diagnosed during my one-before-last episode as having "severe recurrent depression on the Bipolar spectrum", so this sort-of-fits.

- Schizophreniform Disorder
This was based on my rather unusual ideas during episodes of high and low mood, and around food. I'm also a bit paranoid in social situations, but I think that is more to do with low self-esteem. I have been monitored for "emerging psychotic symptoms", but think I can safely say this isn't a correct diagnosis.

- Agoraphobia without History of Panic Disorder
I think this because I don't go out when I am depressed. Which I think is a pretty common experience. So, incorrect, again.

Overall, not too inaccurate, considering it is a computer. It might be on par with one Consultant I had the misfortune to be allocated too!


In other news, I'm questioning whether to continue blogging. It served a purpose during my last-but-one severe episode of depression, but I spend much more time readng blogs than I do writing mine. I'm not sure yet, but I am considering a hiatus.

I've also got a new hobby, or rather, revived an old one.
I've started part-loaning a pony, a couple of days a week. He is lovely, safe and has already started increasing my confidence greatly. It is also another reason to say "NO" to the eating disordered thoughts, as well as any suicidal ones.

I'm going to try and blog more often over the next few weeks, and then decide whether it is helpful or useful for me now. I can't promise anything, as I'm tied up with two essays which are progressing extremely slowly. I keep trying to write something, anything, but being unable to string together a sentence.

Shameless Plug - Check out my Mum's handywork...

Please, please - check out her site, pass it on to friends and family, and help put a smile back on my Mum's face!

Fraud

I miss smoking. I'm drinking more tea to make up for the lack of fags. Giving up is going well, but I do miss it.
However, Mother can no longer call me "Fag Ash Lil".

I got the Statement of Reasons from the Tribunal.

They have a point - although I satisfied the criteria for the 3 months before making the application, I didn't really satify it for the 6 months afterwards.

My new Connexion worker seems to agree.

I feel like a fraud.

Lungs still hurt.

Have amoxicillin now though.
Collecting smoking cessation prescription on friday.
Resting.

My lungs hurt.

I've been coughing for two weeks now. I really need to see my GP. Supposed to be having a blood test done too.

My "support network" is pretty much gone right now. Was glad when I finished having counselling, felt I'd made progress. Now I miss it, maybe even need it.

I have an Intensive Personal Advisor at Connexions, who basically performs the role of care co-ordinator/CPN, as I don't have either of those. She's left to join another team. I get Connexions support until I'm 25 because of the MH issues, but not sure I want to bare my soul to someone else. She'd been working with me for over 2 years, at times she saw me on a daily basis. She attended my DLA tribunal and is keeping in touch until they allocate me a new person.

Essays are going badly - tutor wants to see my introduction on Wednesday, no chance of it being finished by then. Basing the essays on Eating Disorders was probably a poor choice - I'm a bit over-involved in that area.

Was not impressed that I couldn't use the gym today - my scheme only has one weekend session and that is Sunday evening. Itching to go. Keep not eating all day, then eating junk in the evening.

On a better note, piggies are using new ramps.

Guinness, Paddi and Shammi

... Are all refusing to use the ramps in their new cage.
I blew my last £50 on it, and they hate it.

:(

FAIL.

DLA Tribunal

I had my Tribunal yesterday, for Disability Living Allowance.

The brief back story is that following November 2008, my Connexions PA said we should definitely put in an application for DLA. We got the forms, and began the process of filling them out in late February 2009, once I was well enough to complete them. They were sent in early March 2009.

I was declined for both Care and Mobility in May. My Psychiatrist's junior doctor had filled in form, which I felt was contradictory. It stated that I had no history of self-harm or self-neglect. Connexions PA and myself sent a letter contending this, I appealed, and it was looked at and declined again.

Tribunal was originally booked for November 2009 (I think). I wasn't too well, but made the effort to go. We were just leaving when they phoned and informed us that my GP's notes had failed to arrive, so it was postponed.

My GP notes were re-requested. I ended up collecting them myself on Tuesday, and Connexions PA faxed them to the Tribunal service, as they kept forgetting to do them.

So, the Tribunal finally went ahead, and it was horrible.
I had the three people who form the panel. There was another lady who I think was something to do with the decision making service (I was so nervous, I can't remember).

We were in there for over an hour. I'm pretty sure that isn't normal practice. I feel like they enjoyed grilling me. I hate talking about my low periods, when the depression really takes over. I hate admitting that I became paranoid, and had delusions. I hate reading how close I was to being prescribed anti-psychotics or even being hospitalised. I hate realising how unwell I was, describing some of the humiliating things I did. Not bathing for weeks or going out in my pajamas with a coat over the top, because dressing was too much effort.

Afterwards they said they would write to me. They said everyone was getting their decisions in the post that day, because of this lady coming to oversee things. However, whilst I was waiting for my expenses for the train ticket, a woman went in and came out less than five minutes later with her decision.

I knew I wasn't getting anything, and the letter this morning confirmed it. I was only hoping for Lower Rate Care. I feel like a fraud.

"Why Did You Kill My Dad"

Available on BBC iPlayer.

How shall I put this...?

Um.

*Be polite GG*

The programme gave more screentime to a newsagent who described mental illness as being "away with the fairies" than to the experts they had graciously bothered to consult.

The insightful use of short sound clips from these experts was brilliant, especially how they managed to extract these from interviews to make it seem supportive of the point the programme was trying to make.

So remember, Mental Health Professionals

-If a person you have contact with goes on to commit suicide or homocide, feel safe in the knowledge that you didn't do your job properly, that you failed in your responsibilities, and must have handled their case in a careless manner.

- If the family of the deceased phone for information, sod patient confidentiality! Feel free to share all personal details of the service user, whether related to the case or not.

- Forget independant inquiries by suitably appointed experts. The best people to analyse a case and place blame are those most closely affected by the incident. Hey - that's an idea. From now on, all juries should consist of close relatives and friends of any victims. Then we'll get a reliable, informed, unbiased outcome, won't we?

- If the police ask someone prior to a search or arrest if they have sharp implements or anything to declare, its not a standard question. It implies that they are obviously a dangerous person. See, its written on your forehead...

- It's appalling to allow people to be free to commit crimes. If those with mental illness and a history of violence should be denied all freedom, as this programme seems to imply, then shouldn't any person who is convicted of a violent offence be detained for life?


Now, heed my warnings - or "the killings will continue".