End of the line?

After almost 3 years of training, just 2 months from qualifying, I may have finally messed it up.
I've been referred to the Conduct Board meeting due to extended sickness and absence during this final placement.
I've not been off work due to mental health problems, but due to flu followed by a rather nasty chest infection. I've clocked up 3 weeks of absence, and I fear that this coupled with my abysmal attendance during the earlier half of the course due to depression may be the end of the dream for me.

I love my job - in many ways it has changed my life, and the idea of losing it now is hard to stomach. I've stayed on medication (Venlafaxine) for a lot longer than I would have been happy to otherwise, in order to keep my place at Uni. However, I'm not happy to work when I know my health (physical or mental) would make me unable to do my job as well as I'd like to.

I know I can be a good nurse, and I have worked hard to get this far, but I also know that sickness and absence is what has cost me a job in the past, and what will probably cost me this one.

I'm hoping for a minor miracle.

I <3 Threatening Letters

I might write them more often. They make me feel very empowered, even when I don't send them.
I forgot what an excellent release they actually are. The council tax office couldn't talk to me and Connexions PA, because they're computer system was down. Therefore, Connexions PA wrote a very official letter, which basically boiled down to "stop harassing GG, you bastards". She is great, really. She helps me with all the forms and bills that I've been hiding under my bed for the last few months. Actually, there are a lot of things which have been building up since the fire. I just can't deal with it all.
She also agrees with my opinion that Shrink is hopeless. I've seen my medical records [advice: don't leave the projector on, Shrink. It puts all my notes onto your magnolia walls in large print easy to read letters. Yes, mentals can read too!], and they are very basic. They miss out a lot of key stuff, and if I left notes like that, I'd be in deep sh*t. Plus, even though I've been under his care for nearly a year, I first saw him 4 months ago. In this time he has never adjusted or even discussed my medication, contacted my GP, or arranged a referral to Psychotherapies or any other service, despite saying he would.
Basically, my medications are managed solely by my GP, who luckily has been on anti-depressants and is relatively knowledgeable, compared to your average Doc. Counsellor looks after my mind, checks out my suicidality [is that a word???], and makes sure I'm not slitting my wrists or starving myself to death. Connexions PA keeps my finances afloat and the bailiff-wolves at bay.
I'm pretty well at the moment. My drinking has increased, but so has my eating, I'm pretty clean and this evening I cooked. I've been to both my exams so far, and today I almost finished my Christmas shopping. I'm in a right muddle at the moment because the impulse-buy wrapping paper doesn't match the gift bags, but I've found the perfect one, so I'm going to pop into Poundland after I see Counsellor tomorrow, and negotiate an exchange.
The gift bags are gorgeous, and will hopefully make up for the budget pressies.
I found the perfect card for Boyfriend, and a gorgeous pressie for a friend of mine. I think she needs some cheering up at the moment, and she looked after me last week when I was down. She bought me a toy kitty-cat :)
I might go back and get a couple of bits I saw for my two nieces, I'd like to be able to get them something so if I'm careful with the food budget I should be able to get them a little pressie each.
I <3>Venlafaxine. Please, please don't desert me like Fluoxetine did.

So It Continues.

This abnormal dreaming is quite confusing, and is affecting my sleep quite a bit, but I can deal with that. Hopefully it will settle down soon, and then I can work out if it's the medication or the depression. My dreams are often odd, but these are a whole new league.

On a lighter note, I'm definately much better today. I was up at 10am, despite waking up loads during the night, and bathed and dressed appropriately by 1pm. I know that 3 hours sounds like ages, but it's amazing for me! I actually feel happy with my appearence today, and I've eaten a can of sweetcorn soup and two slices of very seedy wholemeal bread, plus a cereal bar that wasn't even low calorie.

I've been drinking loads of green tea because my mouth seems quite dry, but I don't feel 3 feet to the left of life. I feel a bit more sorted. I can think [!] and I just whacked out 800 words of my essay. I've been alternating between consuming my fingernails, lying under the duvet and just plain avoiding it for weeks, because of this huge mental block, but now I can write.

I'm not great, I'm not 100%, but I'm certainly better than I've been in ages. Possibly the best I've been in over a year. I finally sorted out my "Fire Box", which contained all the fire damaged sentimental objects, photos, everything that I managed to salvage after the fire we had last year. All the important things, the things on display, on the wall, on the shelf, were just coated in thick black smoke. Today I've washed quite a few things, including my MONKEY:


Ha! My monkey is so getting a pirate costume now!
Well. I'm sure you can tell I'm rather brighter... [don't be manic, don't be manic...]
Um.
Back to the essay tomorrow morning, for now I think another cuppa, some monkey snuggles and possibly a film before I get an early night.
I need to go and buy more soup tomorrow, so I'm planning to be up and dressed bright and early-ish to go into town. I might even pop into Peacocks and see if they've got any corset-ish-belt-thingies left...

Slight Delirium...

... Or just overly surreal dreams?
I took my first dose of Venlafaxine, and maybe it was because I was nervous about it, but I had some very odd dreams/delusions.
I'm siding with the "it was a dream" idea at the moment, but I'm pretty sure I was awake, or almost. However I managed to convince myself that there was a man in my bed [to the point I nearly called Boyfriend to apologise for cheating], that I had spoken to my friend when I got home that evening, and that my housemate had woke me at 7am for a fry up. I've been in a huff with him all day, and can't exactly explain that the reason is that I'm a bit nuts.

I'm thinking it was just dreams, my over-active mind, but the medication leaflet says that less than 1 in 10 will experience abnormal dreams, and less than 1 in 10,000 will experience delirium.

I'm going to take my second dose now, so hopefully this will settle down. While I'm experiencing it, there is to be no watching horror movies or reading serial killer books before bed time!

GG's Best Friend

I want a Papillon dog. Papillon means "butterfly" in French, on account of the big ears and symmetrical markings.

Dogs give unconditional love, even if you haven't washed your hair in over a week and you've been eating dry pasta because cooking it takes too long.

They don't stare at you when you're taking an assortment of pills for breakfast, and they certainly don't tell you to pull your socks up, take life by the horns and for God's sake smile.

I've wanted a dog for ages.

Now, I just need to hold out until Boyfriend or I have qualified and obtained some form of employment, then we can get our own place rather than renting rooms 200 miles apart, and I can get a dog.

I really need my own place, or maybe a place with Boyfriend. I've been renting rooms and staying with relatives since Mum threw me out over 3 years ago, and I want a place to call "Home".

Tequila Hurts.

I have the worst hangover ever.
Maybe not ever.
But right now, it feels like it.
I just woke up next to an almost empty bottle of Tequila, but luckily I didn't binge in my drunken state. I do vaguely remember having a lot of trouble working out how to use the door key though.

However, the marvellous upside is... 7 stone 5 pounds.
BMI 16.1

I am ecstatic.

While I'm here, I might as well add a quick medicines update. It's 60mg Fluoxetine [Prozac], Cerazette [contraceptive], multivitamins, Boots Diet Pills and the occasional 2mg Diazepam [Valium].