Sunday, 6 May 2012

Looking Forward

I have been sorting through my past Uni notes, and it has been a stark reminder of how unwell I was for portions of my course. It's brought up a lot of emotions, including some anger about the lack of support I received at times, and the lack of insight I actually had. I had six ringbinders filled with detailed notes, as well as copies of all my essays, and the contrast between these "well" periods, and the blank pages and scrawled half-notes of my unwell periods shocked me.

 I often think of myself as having good insight, but that is not really the case - in reality, I seem to have insight when I start becoming unwell, but it gets to a point where I am unable to fully comprehend how unwell I actually am. I remember my Connexions worker talking to me about how I was after going through a really bad period (back when I stopped eating), and thinking that she was laying it on a bit thick. People who meet me when well are understandably unable to understand that I can become very unwell. I isolate almost completely when unwell, and if I do venture out I tend to get very panicked and slightly paranoid in any social situations - hence I avoid them. My Psychiatrist has never seen me when I have been very unwell - only on the way down or the long road back up.

Looking through those old notes, and back at a younger, often more vunerable "me" has made me think about this blog and it's use as a tool, a record. I have thrown the notes (I'm never allowed back to nursing, that has been made quite clear), but kept the essays as a reminder of what I am capable of. Hopefully they will be counted towards an Open University course in the not-too-distant future. I have thrown the old diaries, filled with activities, meetings with friends and family, during well periods and vast empty pages when ill. I am prone to self-depreciation - that's an understatement, I am my own worst enemy - I don't need the evidence of failing surrounding me. So, in future, I'll keep the good stuff - not necessarily big acheivements, but acheivements none the less.