Friday, 5 February 2010

Leave me alone.

I don't know how much longer I can do this for. It's eating away at me, and I have no answer for it. No drugs or therapies which I think will work, no suggestions or witty remarks left. I cut myself, pathetic scratches on my arms when I want gaping wounds. I restrain myself, but for what? This is a slippery slope, you make tracks, then slip back, ending up lower than where you started. Maybe this is just life, what everyone experiences, but what I want to know if how do they cope, hold down jobs, keep relationships alive.
I go back to work, fail again, go back to work, fail again.
I want to disappear, maybe I could take a coach, hole up in a B&B for a few weeks until these thoughts settle down.
STOP TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just don't want to live. I don't think I do. I don't know anymore. I'm not hearing voices. I'm just having strong, strong compulaions, suicide is all I can think about, I can't escape it. My entire self is taken up resisting it, and I have no answers to this.

EDIT: I saw my GP this evening. I was advised to take my medication, go to work, and come back in a month. I do take my medication. I'm seriously struggling with work. I don't want to be here in a month.