Friday, 22 January 2010

Off Sick Again

Wednesday was extremely stressful at work. There is a bug going round the ward, and we have some patients in isolation. Running between rooms, taking obs, 5 sets of aprons and gloves, I felt like a hesdless chicken. Delayed train on the way home, finally got in, felt a bit sick, went to bed. Woke up at 4am and spent an hour kneeling in front of the toilet bowl. Havn't actually been sick, but have felt it, and couldn't eat all of yesterday. Had some food today, still feel a bit nauseous. Could just be somatic? Me, attention seeking mental and that jazz.

In better news, have got a letter offering me the Honours degree, and will be accepting. Now, I just need to get into good enouh shape to return to work.

Have lost 7 pounds in the two weeks. Not quite sure how.

Want to lose more, always the same, a little bit slips off and you think how much better you looked at under 100 pounds. Ha. Although you kept fainting and getting ill.

I don't like this placement. New mentor is actually a brilliant nurse though. It's just the general running of the ward, money seems to be extremely tight. Havn't really thought much about the money side of things on the ward before, aside from cab fares and expenses for activities or outings.

I suppose ending up sitting across the table from Grandad's consultant didn't help. I was so tense, felt like if I relaxed I'd end up shaking him by the shoulders, why didn't you help him? Why did he have to die? The only one who understood me, the one I am most like. I see his moods in Little Brother, and pray it's just the start of teenage angst. I'd give anything for him not to have to go through this.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Can we ever truely accept the impact of our illnesses?

So, I went back to work on Wednesday. I worked Thursday. Today I slept through my alarm after a difficult night and I am totally exhausted.
I have had to realise that I was quite unwell when I originally started my placement, and that is hard. Will I ever accept it? Or will I keep battling on and being crushed every time I realise that it does have an impact on my abilities, and no matter how much I try, I have periods where I find it extremely difficult to function.
I am so tired. I feel like a huge failure, because I am unable to cope with what everyone around me seems able to do. 37.5 hours a week, that is all. I am exhausted after two days. I was tired after just 4 hours. I don't feel low as such, just negative, but I think that is because I am watching myself fail all over again. I know this placement is not going to last forever, I just need to do the hours and get it finished, but all I want to do is sleep.
I'm always more tired than my friends and my collegues. I don't know if this is the condition or the medication. I really feel quite hopeless. I just want some energy.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

"Insight" isn't all it's cracked up to be

I'm acutely aware that I am not in a good way right now.
I don't think hospitalisation is appropriate, or that it would be beneficial right now. Maybe in a few days if this continues.

It took my boyfriend a lot of prompting to encourage me to shower. Evntually he had to tell me that I smelt. Bad.

New Years Eve was supposed to be a good night of paced drunkeness. Instead, I got stupidly drunk. I still had a good night, overall, but I know that I was a mess. I climbed into a friend's bed to crash out for an hour or so, and I think I really annoyed his girlfriend. Firt time we meet, get on quite well, then they try to go to bed and I'm in it. Well done moi.

I'm glad that I am able to enjoy some things still, at least some of the time. However these rapid changes in mood are becoming problematic, particually as my main means of coping in social situations is to drink heavily. Actually, the only thing I have soberly enjoyed recently was meeting my baby cousin.

I met my mum at the shops today and I really found that hard. I hate feeling this detached from myself. She said maybe it is the new contraceptive, as she won't really acknowledge my mental health problems, and although I agree that could be a contributing factor it doesn't change the fact I'm struggling.

I can't concentrate on TV, even short programmes. I can't concentrate on reading even a page, although I used to read several books a week. I can't listen to music, as I'm finding it all too fast to take in. Blogging is hard, although can be helpful in short stints. Conversations are increasingly difficult, with me unable to finish half my sentances. I used to be articulate, intelligent, ME.

I want myself back. I don't want this, I never asked for this, I hate this.

Mental illness has turned me from a capable teenager with a bright future, into a young woman who struggles to care for herself and has repeatedly failed at life.

That is how I feel right now.
I have failed at life.

I was headed for fucking Cambridge and now I can't even care for myself.