Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Fidgetting is good for the soul

So, long time between posts again. Not going to beat myself up about it, this blog is and always has been predominantly for my own use and for venting, so it's probably a good sign.
I can't keep still this evening. I have done several loads of laundry today, washing up, a "quick clean up" which ended up with me washing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees because somehow it seemed better than using the mop, cleaned the living room windows and patio doors, started cleaning the blinds, couldn't concentrate, came on here rather than making a series of embarressing facebook posts etc...

Not quite sure what to do right now but figured writing was better use for this energy than starjumps or tapping out rhythms to any sound I can hear. I wish I knew how to write properly, engage people, tell a story but I guess I just don't do it enough.

I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Fuck it.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Looking Forward

I have been sorting through my past Uni notes, and it has been a stark reminder of how unwell I was for portions of my course. It's brought up a lot of emotions, including some anger about the lack of support I received at times, and the lack of insight I actually had. I had six ringbinders filled with detailed notes, as well as copies of all my essays, and the contrast between these "well" periods, and the blank pages and scrawled half-notes of my unwell periods shocked me.

 I often think of myself as having good insight, but that is not really the case - in reality, I seem to have insight when I start becoming unwell, but it gets to a point where I am unable to fully comprehend how unwell I actually am. I remember my Connexions worker talking to me about how I was after going through a really bad period (back when I stopped eating), and thinking that she was laying it on a bit thick. People who meet me when well are understandably unable to understand that I can become very unwell. I isolate almost completely when unwell, and if I do venture out I tend to get very panicked and slightly paranoid in any social situations - hence I avoid them. My Psychiatrist has never seen me when I have been very unwell - only on the way down or the long road back up.

Looking through those old notes, and back at a younger, often more vunerable "me" has made me think about this blog and it's use as a tool, a record. I have thrown the notes (I'm never allowed back to nursing, that has been made quite clear), but kept the essays as a reminder of what I am capable of. Hopefully they will be counted towards an Open University course in the not-too-distant future. I have thrown the old diaries, filled with activities, meetings with friends and family, during well periods and vast empty pages when ill. I am prone to self-depreciation - that's an understatement, I am my own worst enemy - I don't need the evidence of failing surrounding me. So, in future, I'll keep the good stuff - not necessarily big acheivements, but acheivements none the less.