Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Praise to the GODS that are O2

We finally have INTERNET.
It has taken numerous phone calls, technician visits and kicking of the wireless box, but I am connected.
I need this blog right now, so I'm bloody grateful.

Talking of bloody, the irregular menstrual cycle appears to be related to it's grand return [it was also on hiatus following my little weight loss episode prior to Christmas], and possibly some effects of the Pill. My blood tests detected nothing - I'm am medically healthy.
I'm slightly disappointed. I was hoping it would throw up a little thyroid trouble or similar, instantly explaining my mood disorder and moving me from "mental" to "a bit physically ill". Let's face it - it would make life easier.

Food-wise, I appear to be having a slip. I came across a dreadful picture of me from a few weeks ago in which I look huge, and it hasn't exactly helped. I'm at my body's "healthy weight", the one it bounces back to whenever it is allowed to eat, and yet I feel like a whale. I have been surveying the pro-ana sites again, buying lo-cal bread and stepping on the scales a little too often. I'm at the top of a very slippery slope, and I'm making sure everyone knows it, because if I try and throw myself down it, I want the f*cking cavalry out to stop me. I am not wasting away under the duvet again. I want to just be happy with my weight, not keep hiring the anorexia videos from the university library so I can admire the competition. "See, you are huge -she is perfect". Bearing in mind that "she" is 4 and a half stone, and on her way to the Bethlem.

Part of the food problem is that I feel like I am always hungry. This gnawing sensation in my abdomen won't go away and it is having a real effect. I can quiet it for a short while by eating, but I'm pretty sure it isn't just hunger, I think it's an effect of the Venlafaxine to be honest. I have been trying to see my new consultant since March, but still haven't had any luck. The secretary is on sick leave, and the scheduled appointment is during an important lecture.

I am totally confused by food and weight now. My stepsister has two young children and is much smaller than me, she must be a size 6. She works out constantly and is so fit. I can't afford a gym membership and I'm too embarrassed to go running or work out anyway. I have no idea what is a healthy, well-balanced meal, I don't know what is a healthy size, and I feel huge huge huge.

1 comment:

Morrie said...

I know it's now September and this was posted in July--but I wanted to say that I can relate as far as the whole "I have no idea what a balanced meal is" thing.

I live a double-life; I have a (clearly) undiagnosed ED-NOS. ..I mean it's clearly ED-NOS, rather than it's clearly undiagnosed--800 is my magic number.

Do you think I know what a balanced meal is..? No. No, I don't. I wish SOMEONE would tell me in explicit, specific terminology so I could understand. Because honestly.. a "balanced breakfast" doesn't seem like it should involve frosted flakes, a piece of toast with butter, 8 oz. of orange juice, and a piece of fruit. To be fair, though.. I don't think I could physically squeeze that into my stomach! Ugh.

(I need a chill-pill. I've been kinda anxious the past couple of hours.
..oh, and about the gnawing feeling-- yeah. I totally am understanding that. Every morning I fill up on a whey protein shake + soy milk --which is 210 cals. My stomach had shrunk up enough so that it filled up with just that. Well, it's seeming like I have to eat something every five damn minutes just to keep myself from hitting some low glucose number or something and gorging myself on junk.)