Friday, 5 February 2010

Leave me alone.

I don't know how much longer I can do this for. It's eating away at me, and I have no answer for it. No drugs or therapies which I think will work, no suggestions or witty remarks left. I cut myself, pathetic scratches on my arms when I want gaping wounds. I restrain myself, but for what? This is a slippery slope, you make tracks, then slip back, ending up lower than where you started. Maybe this is just life, what everyone experiences, but what I want to know if how do they cope, hold down jobs, keep relationships alive.
I go back to work, fail again, go back to work, fail again.
I want to disappear, maybe I could take a coach, hole up in a B&B for a few weeks until these thoughts settle down.
STOP TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just don't want to live. I don't think I do. I don't know anymore. I'm not hearing voices. I'm just having strong, strong compulaions, suicide is all I can think about, I can't escape it. My entire self is taken up resisting it, and I have no answers to this.

EDIT: I saw my GP this evening. I was advised to take my medication, go to work, and come back in a month. I do take my medication. I'm seriously struggling with work. I don't want to be here in a month.


Lei said...

hey girl...I follow your blog and I think I commented on some post of yours before. Excuse my English, I'm Spanish, and also a nurse like you. I'm still seeing doctors to figure out if I suffer from BPD. Like you, I struggle to go to work everyday. I work at a Day Care Center for old people...I'm bored with it.
And yeah, suicide has been in my mind too much recently. How old are you? Let me know if there's another way I can contact you if you'd like to chat. We have a lot of things in common...
Take care xx

Gutter Girl said...

Hi Lei,
I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you as well. I'm 20, and in my second year of my training.

My email is

Keep safe

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to add that I've been through what you're describing many times. I don't have any answers except to say that given that moods and perceptions shift, you will probably feel better at some point and you should take that into your analysis. Also, and this one is tough, don't be upset with yourself or get down on yourself because you aren't who you were or could have been - life throws people curve balls and this is in no way your fault. Also, don't rely too much on drs to lead you down the right path - assess yourself and figure out what treatment you need and get it. Drs are far too cautious and only rarely understand the pain and suffering people experience and as a result, treat serious issues like they are minor. Ignore that the dr does this to you. You know it is serious and do your best to let him know too. Now is the time to speak up. Good luck - just hold on when you have to hold on, take a break when you need that, and forge ahead when you can. But just stay true to yourself, respect and love yourself and don't let other people make things harder for you. This is a hard enough battle as it is.