It's Been A While...

Hi, and hope you are all well, or as well as can be.

I am on Placement at the moment, which is always a trying time, but Boyfriend has recently moved in and is doing his best to help out. Even if he hasn't got a clue how to work the washing machine, he still manages to make me smile. The flat is full of black ink pen drawings of various smiling cats, and he leaves me little notes if I have a shit day. He loves me.

The fridge has become centre point of the house, with me struggling to stay friends with food. I've lost 7 pounds, accidentally, though neglecting to eat when I'm working, and this has fuelled my underlying desire to look like a stick insect. My eating has been very irregular, often only one meal a day when I do my best to eat 3 regular balanced ones. This has impacted on my mood, which started to dip, and on my physical health.

I am finally getting blood tests done - through all of this depression, no one has ever checked if there is an underlying health problem. My run down state has prompted my new Doctor to request for full bloods, so YIPPEE. Peace of mind over how much damage alcohol and diuretics actually did to my organs, eh?

Physically, I am quite concerned - I have extremely irregular periods, which often stop completely for months at a time, I seem to be getting constipation a lot, and I'm always exhausted. I just want to make sure I'm OK, and try to find out why I can't keep up with everyone else.

Placement has been going really well, although I constantly exhausted, and haven't found time to revise for my exam. I just spent two hours making preparations for my essay, and seem to have got nowhere. However I spoke to a friend from my cohort, and she hadn't started her essay either, so at least it's not just me. I'm not lagging behind completely.

Oh. My toilet is still leaking. It has been leaking since I moved in, and the plumber has replaced the pipe twice. Argh.

On a lighter note, when you turn on the kitchen light, the electric shower in the bathroom comes on as well???

Poltergeists, me thinks.....

Uni Rant

I don't really like some things about myself. Well, I half do and half don't. I come across as a bit of a teacher's pet, know-it-all smug cow at uni. I'm aware of this, and I hate it, but to be honest it's mainly because everyone else just sits there, mouth slightly open, with a uniform blank expression on their faces. I want to stand up and cry out, "aren't you interested? Don't you care? This stuff is f*cking AMAZING!", but somehow don't think it would go down too well. I seem to be constantly questioning, seeking more knowledge, and it's great that I enjoy learning about mental illness so much, but it doesn't exactly help me when it comes to interacting with my peers. I want to say, "I'm just like you", but I'm not. I'd rather spend my break debating some new controversial issue or mulling over the last lecture, not discussing kids or husbands. I'm also short tempered with people who are ignorant. I can't stand it when people make blundering errors or ask ridiculous questions. For example, someone said during a lecture that all incontinent people lack capacity. "Are you sure you mean incontinent? Are you sure you understand the meaning of the word?". Yes, they say, when I worked on a Older Person's ward all the incontinent people lacked capacity. I was disgusted. The same when someone refers to a service user as a Schizophrenic - for f*ck's sake, they have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but that does not define them as a person. I also get annoyed when people are unable to see past a diagnosis - why do you need to put a person's diagnosis on their care plan? Surely the needs that you should be focusing on are the current symptoms, the things which currently affect that person's life?

Rock On The [Long] Weekend

I may have mentioned this before [I'm too lazy to check], but my Mum and step-dad have a caravan in a tiny little hamlet somewhere in Essex. We'll call it Doris Bay. It has two caravan sites, two pubs, one marina and one post office, which is owned by a charming World of Warcraft addict and his Thai bride.

I was there last weekend, and I'm going again tomorrow evening, until Monday. My Mum has used the money my Nan left her to "upgrade" her caravan - that is, the new one is two feet wider, two feet longer and VERY pink. It was owned by the "only gays on the campsite" until last weekend, when my Mum purchased it. We have lots of work to do - cleaning it top-to-bottom, replacing the bedroom carpets and making part of the plot into a driveway area for my step-dad's speedboat.

I'm rather sad to be saying goodbye to the old 'van, after four summers there, but my step-dad is about to fall through the bathroom floor, and having a real bed as opposed to an 18 inch wide bunk will be a improvement. I say real bed, I mean 2 foot 6 by 5 foot 6 - leaving me about an inch short, but still an improvement.

The village is full of characters, and I just hope my ban from the pub has been lifted [I was drunk, and rearranged all the bins in the village]. My main concern regarding the weekend is alcohol - it tends to be a place where I drink. A couple of cans or a bottle of wine throughout the afternoon, a few pints at the pub, flaming Sambuca with my drunken uncles - staying sober has never been an option [and on that bed, who would want to?].

This week has been a bit problematic drink-wise. I returned from the caravan on Monday evening, and was extremely paranoid. In fact I was positive there was someone in my flat, and I spent almost the whole night awake, shaking, clutching my phone and struggling not to call my Mum. Tuesday night, I had friends over and got drunk. Result: They stay, and I sleep. It's safe. Last night, I went to a friend's house, had a few glasses of wine on an empty stomach, and once again, slept without too many problems.

I'm sitting here with a pint of cider and trying to decide whether to finish the bottle.
I'm also making an informed decision to start smoking again as soon as the shop opens.

Gash.
Why can't I stick to orange juice and sugar free gum?

Thanks For The Open Network

... Lovely neighbours!
Yes, I'm being rather naughty, but some social contact and blog venting is needed.
This will be a quick one, and I hope everyone I haven't had time to catch up with is doing OK.
The flat is fine, but my mood is a little unstable. I was close to tears in Tesco earlier - I want to adopt a rat who needs a new home, but I can't afford a cage, and that inability to help him and continue experiencing the little spark of happiness as he licked my fingers was a little too much in my emotional state. I don't really know why I'm feeling like this, but the looming placement could have something to do with it, coupled with the little mantra of "I must not get ill -I Must Not Get Ill - IMUSTNOTGETILL".

The upheaval of moving, even if it was undeniably for the better, has probably just caught up with me, and Boyfriend has just gone back to Leeds after spending most of the Easter break curled up on the beanbags with me.

I am very very very poor - after paying for the flat and the electric, I have £135 per calender month to pay for my food, travel, mobile phone and everything else. Hence the lack of Internet. I'm quite concerned about managing this over placement - my travel expenses will be around £200 for the eight week period, and I can't claim anything back until afterwards, so I think I will be living on beans on toast until July. God knows how I'll cope when I have to pay for heating in the winter, but hopefully Boyfriend will have a job by then.

I have applied for the Access to Learning Fund at my university, and I'm awaiting a decision on my Disability Living Allowance application as well, so things have the potential to get better soon.

My wishes/hopes/dreams at the moment;
- For someone on Freecycle to reply for my [begging] advert for a rat cage
- To complete eight weeks in the acute setting without getting admitted to the ward
- To hold a £50 note at some point within the next year

Hiatus

I am moving tomorrow, and I havn't got any provisions [or money] for internet connection at my new place. I will attempt to get on here as much as possible, and get some pictures of GG's new pad up.

Keep safe.
GG

DWP and Apologies

I'm swatting up on D.L.A. know-how... I've already completed and sent the form, but now I'm worrying over it. It's funny, I never used to do that, not even with exams, yet now I do.
My Connexions worker assisted me with the form, because I concentrate for long enough to figure out what they are asking, and the form is exhaustingly long.
It's hard to fill out because my condition varies a lot over a week. I have days of ok-ish, able to microwave food, keep myself reasonably clean and presentable, get to uni, keep [almost] on top of my work. Then of being either better or worse, staying home and isolating, or sorting through unpaid bills and making a meal. Oh, and of crashing. Doom, gloom and staying under the duvet. Neglecting to eat, wash or talk.

My tutor at university spoke to me on Monday regarding my unacceptable attendance last year. I'm unsure if anyone else has told her what my "issues", as she put it, were. I wanted to say "I don't have issues, I have an illness", but it seemed more appropriate to grovel my apologies and get out of there.

Well Done! Have A Gold Star!

Things I have accomplished this week:

- I attended our end of year evaluations, completed the mindless forms and collected the certificate. At the end of the session, 'cos they forgot me, but f*ck it.

- I attended part of the second year introduction, and made up a "believable but don't question me further" excuse about being ill.

- I lost my medication, but I managed to sort it out with only a few tears [and with the help of some Valium from the back of the medication box...]

- I went out last night to see friends, got a bit drunk, and I'm going out again tonight. I'm not going to beat myself up for spending money on alcohol - I'm going to enjoy myself.

- Most of my packing is done, and I know basically where everything is in the boxes and bags.

- I've got dressed EVERY day this week.

- I completed my DLA application, because I'm poor and, guess what, I have a disability. It causes me problems in everyday life, and it's a REAL illness, not me being silly.

- I haven't binged, purged, restricted, cut etc.

- I did my washing today. Who cares if I'm living off frozen tuna pasta bake - I don't smell and I have been fed. Go GG go!