100th Post, and it's not good...

Got the appeal result yesterday, and I failed.


So, bye bye MH Nursing.

Hello.... Something?
Not sure what yet.
Still sinking in to some degree.

Need to find out if I can use what I passed as credits for anything else.
Need a bloody job too.

Truth

I've never had a talent.
I've been good, academically, but with every depression my mind has atrophied, faltered, failed.
My A's reduced to B's, to E's and to fails.

Now my physical health, constant colds and infections, is what steals my future.

I sound so bloody melodramatic, but fuck it. That's how it feels.

End of the line?

After almost 3 years of training, just 2 months from qualifying, I may have finally messed it up.
I've been referred to the Conduct Board meeting due to extended sickness and absence during this final placement.
I've not been off work due to mental health problems, but due to flu followed by a rather nasty chest infection. I've clocked up 3 weeks of absence, and I fear that this coupled with my abysmal attendance during the earlier half of the course due to depression may be the end of the dream for me.

I love my job - in many ways it has changed my life, and the idea of losing it now is hard to stomach. I've stayed on medication (Venlafaxine) for a lot longer than I would have been happy to otherwise, in order to keep my place at Uni. However, I'm not happy to work when I know my health (physical or mental) would make me unable to do my job as well as I'd like to.

I know I can be a good nurse, and I have worked hard to get this far, but I also know that sickness and absence is what has cost me a job in the past, and what will probably cost me this one.

I'm hoping for a minor miracle.

Don't make a mole out of a hole...

... As a nursing collegue quoted earlier.

I'm on placement now, its an team which works within the early intervention in psychosis model. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, or was, until this weekend.

My mental health seems to be taking a bit of a kicking, not helped by the fact that one of my previous consultants works within the team. I'm unsure whether he has recognised me or not, and am unsure whether to speak to him about it.
I was having some issues with racing/intrusive thoughts earlier today, and over the weekend, which lead to an arguement with my other half. We have sorted things out now, it was silly really, but I am extremely sensitive to criticism at the moment due to the critical, even abusive thoughts in my head.
I often wonder, given my borderline-psychotic presentation two years ago, whether my brain is gearing up for me starting to hear voices. I don't hear voices currently, however my intrusive, self-abusing thoughts have increased with each episode and I have little control over them. I am able to combat them with CBT-based techniques, however this can be very consuming, to the point that I can't engage in a conversation as if I break my concentration on them they may win.

This is probably just me bing over-vigilant given my placement area, but it does concern me.

I'm also considering having future counselling/psychotherapy of some sort, as I have something lurking on the borders of my sub-concious which I was loathe to bring up in my previous sessions. Essentially, I think that the bullying I endured during primary school may have culminated in sexual as well as physical abuse. I have a disturbing image of being held down, and then feeling dirty and ashamed. Knowing it was wrong but not knowing what it was. I am not sure if these are false memories, my mind playing tricks or an overactive imagination. However I think it may be something I need to address in future.

Disappointment

Disappointment. If you don't get your hopes up, you may learn to avoid it.
Remember - not matter how much planning you do, it can and will go wrong.

I arranged my final placement a year ago. I persuaded the placement area to take students. I put my personal tutor and head of department in touch with the manager. I was told an audit would be carried out, and that it was all ok.

My tutor has just left. The placement-organiser was never informed.
They've given the placement to someone else.
They won't reconsider.


I am very disappointed.
Actually, I want to break stuff.

Please excuse me.
My boyfriend has put socks on his ears, and looks like a spaniel. Apparently, this is an apology and attempt to cheer me up, as he shouted at me that I was letting people walk all over me.

Urgh. Really can't afford to get sick right now.

Feeling pretty awful, sore throat, headache etc. Fingers crossed it's just a shortlived thing, but unfortunately it feels like it's getting worse... I really don't need any time off sick at the moment. It is the worst thing about being a student - making up any sick leave.

Ug. I had planned to write more today, but I think I'm just going to go to bed.

Is this a common experience for nursing students?

Do the majority of consultants and junior doctors you meet encourage you to study medicine?

Basically, at least six doctors have now seriously encouraged me to do the Graduate Entry Programme to medicine. At first, I thought nothing of it. Now, I'm starting to question whether, actually, I could be capable of it.

I want to go further than just the BSc Unclassified, most people reading this will know I was bitterly disappointed to not do the Honours degree. But, being a doctor? A Doctor? A Dr.? Little me?

Has anyone else encountered this? Has anyone else done it?