Think two days off helped, although I now have VERY painful sunburn on my legs. I decided, as I'd burned the backs, I'd have to burn the fronts of my legs as well. Regretting it, can't believe I chose to get burnt. I don't recommend it. Next time I'll experiment with some fake tan instead... Ha. I'm usually so pale it's unreal, and now I'm pink instead :s
Unsure what to do about the horses... I'm going riding tomorrow after work so I'll see how things go then.
Work was a little better, but the individual who has been giving me some hassle is definately targetting me... Not sure if this is some kind of delusional thinking in the mania or just that I'm easy to intimidate? Maybe in his situation, feeling powerless, the only way to assert some power is over me?
Working on a male ward has been quite challenging - generally, I find male aggression difficult to handle. I'm getting more used to it, but I am the sort of person who flinches. I'm not sure if I've written about this much previously, but my Mum dated a guy after my parents split up who turned out to be an ex-alcoholic. He was lovely, until one night he started drinking. I was about 5 years old, and it was terrifying. I remember the aggression, and being so sure that my Mum would run, and I wouldn't be able to keep up. I wouldn't have blamed her for running.
Him grabbing her by the hair in the street, as she tried to walk away. Me clinging to her coat, being knocked over into the gutter as he swung her around, grazing my knee on the kerb. I think the fact that he had been so nice when sober made it harder, it was a betrayal of trust as well as an incident of aggression.
I think that is probably why I flinch.
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I worked on a male PICU for about a year, I remember being scared shitless, run ragged, and when we went through a bad stretch, feeling that sense of impending doom whenever I swiped through the airlock.
What you say about connecting the aggression to that experience as a child, how he was nice sometimes and that made it worse, sounds like some profound insight into your feelings towards aggressive men.
But one of the things about being on a placement for that fairly short time is I think, some people cycle a lot longer than that, and when you see them well, when they've come up it can be the most rewarding thing in the world to have gone through it with them and be able to help them up the other side - all that violence that you carry with you gets kind of neutered, you remember it, but it takes on a kind of lightness. It doesn't go away, and it doesn't always happen like that but you get a good feeling on top of it.
Also, I had a conversation with a patient about flinching. He made some comment about how I flinched when he mimed to hit me, and I told him fairly bluntly "that's because I don't want to be hit in the face." It sounds like that was a really tough experience for you and your mum to go through, but I'd also say, flinching can be a good thing. It's really okay to not want to be hit, and to let people see that!
Blathered on a bit, sorry, need to be concise, good blog, keep it up!
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