Don't make a mole out of a hole...

... As a nursing collegue quoted earlier.

I'm on placement now, its an team which works within the early intervention in psychosis model. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, or was, until this weekend.

My mental health seems to be taking a bit of a kicking, not helped by the fact that one of my previous consultants works within the team. I'm unsure whether he has recognised me or not, and am unsure whether to speak to him about it.
I was having some issues with racing/intrusive thoughts earlier today, and over the weekend, which lead to an arguement with my other half. We have sorted things out now, it was silly really, but I am extremely sensitive to criticism at the moment due to the critical, even abusive thoughts in my head.
I often wonder, given my borderline-psychotic presentation two years ago, whether my brain is gearing up for me starting to hear voices. I don't hear voices currently, however my intrusive, self-abusing thoughts have increased with each episode and I have little control over them. I am able to combat them with CBT-based techniques, however this can be very consuming, to the point that I can't engage in a conversation as if I break my concentration on them they may win.

This is probably just me bing over-vigilant given my placement area, but it does concern me.

I'm also considering having future counselling/psychotherapy of some sort, as I have something lurking on the borders of my sub-concious which I was loathe to bring up in my previous sessions. Essentially, I think that the bullying I endured during primary school may have culminated in sexual as well as physical abuse. I have a disturbing image of being held down, and then feeling dirty and ashamed. Knowing it was wrong but not knowing what it was. I am not sure if these are false memories, my mind playing tricks or an overactive imagination. However I think it may be something I need to address in future.

Disappointment

Disappointment. If you don't get your hopes up, you may learn to avoid it.
Remember - not matter how much planning you do, it can and will go wrong.

I arranged my final placement a year ago. I persuaded the placement area to take students. I put my personal tutor and head of department in touch with the manager. I was told an audit would be carried out, and that it was all ok.

My tutor has just left. The placement-organiser was never informed.
They've given the placement to someone else.
They won't reconsider.


I am very disappointed.
Actually, I want to break stuff.

Please excuse me.
My boyfriend has put socks on his ears, and looks like a spaniel. Apparently, this is an apology and attempt to cheer me up, as he shouted at me that I was letting people walk all over me.

Urgh. Really can't afford to get sick right now.

Feeling pretty awful, sore throat, headache etc. Fingers crossed it's just a shortlived thing, but unfortunately it feels like it's getting worse... I really don't need any time off sick at the moment. It is the worst thing about being a student - making up any sick leave.

Ug. I had planned to write more today, but I think I'm just going to go to bed.

Is this a common experience for nursing students?

Do the majority of consultants and junior doctors you meet encourage you to study medicine?

Basically, at least six doctors have now seriously encouraged me to do the Graduate Entry Programme to medicine. At first, I thought nothing of it. Now, I'm starting to question whether, actually, I could be capable of it.

I want to go further than just the BSc Unclassified, most people reading this will know I was bitterly disappointed to not do the Honours degree. But, being a doctor? A Doctor? A Dr.? Little me?

Has anyone else encountered this? Has anyone else done it?

Feeling a bit brighter

Think two days off helped, although I now have VERY painful sunburn on my legs. I decided, as I'd burned the backs, I'd have to burn the fronts of my legs as well. Regretting it, can't believe I chose to get burnt. I don't recommend it. Next time I'll experiment with some fake tan instead... Ha. I'm usually so pale it's unreal, and now I'm pink instead :s


Unsure what to do about the horses... I'm going riding tomorrow after work so I'll see how things go then.

Work was a little better, but the individual who has been giving me some hassle is definately targetting me... Not sure if this is some kind of delusional thinking in the mania or just that I'm easy to intimidate? Maybe in his situation, feeling powerless, the only way to assert some power is over me?

Working on a male ward has been quite challenging - generally, I find male aggression difficult to handle. I'm getting more used to it, but I am the sort of person who flinches. I'm not sure if I've written about this much previously, but my Mum dated a guy after my parents split up who turned out to be an ex-alcoholic. He was lovely, until one night he started drinking. I was about 5 years old, and it was terrifying. I remember the aggression, and being so sure that my Mum would run, and I wouldn't be able to keep up. I wouldn't have blamed her for running.
Him grabbing her by the hair in the street, as she tried to walk away. Me clinging to her coat, being knocked over into the gutter as he swung her around, grazing my knee on the kerb. I think the fact that he had been so nice when sober made it harder, it was a betrayal of trust as well as an incident of aggression.

I think that is probably why I flinch.

Placement

I'm 4 weeks into an 8 week placement.
It was going well, but I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself.
I'm struggling with some of the recent admissions, mainly an individual who is very sexually disinhibited and another who is quite confrontational, and has spent all of this afternoon being very intimidating towards me.
I know they are unwell, but I am struggling as my mood has dipped.

Also, it appears that my share-horses owner no longer wants me - she has found two new younger sharers, one for each horse, and I feel increasingly unwanted.

A Review of Me, Myself and Blogging

Do you think the people at My Therapy are going to be celebrating their success this weekend? "Look at all the people who have signed up - our online diagnostic tool is BRILLLIIIAAAANNNNNNTTTTTTT!"

Such a shame.

I think tools like this are good for two things -
a. A bit of a laugh
b. Double-checking that yes, you are still a MENTAL.

So... I took their survey, and according to my, possibly unrealiable answers, have been diagnosed with;

- Bipolar II (Depressive)
I was diagnosed during my one-before-last episode as having "severe recurrent depression on the Bipolar spectrum", so this sort-of-fits.

- Schizophreniform Disorder
This was based on my rather unusual ideas during episodes of high and low mood, and around food. I'm also a bit paranoid in social situations, but I think that is more to do with low self-esteem. I have been monitored for "emerging psychotic symptoms", but think I can safely say this isn't a correct diagnosis.

- Agoraphobia without History of Panic Disorder
I think this because I don't go out when I am depressed. Which I think is a pretty common experience. So, incorrect, again.

Overall, not too inaccurate, considering it is a computer. It might be on par with one Consultant I had the misfortune to be allocated too!


In other news, I'm questioning whether to continue blogging. It served a purpose during my last-but-one severe episode of depression, but I spend much more time readng blogs than I do writing mine. I'm not sure yet, but I am considering a hiatus.

I've also got a new hobby, or rather, revived an old one.
I've started part-loaning a pony, a couple of days a week. He is lovely, safe and has already started increasing my confidence greatly. It is also another reason to say "NO" to the eating disordered thoughts, as well as any suicidal ones.

I'm going to try and blog more often over the next few weeks, and then decide whether it is helpful or useful for me now. I can't promise anything, as I'm tied up with two essays which are progressing extremely slowly. I keep trying to write something, anything, but being unable to string together a sentence.