Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Also...

I still can't sleep and I have a desperate urge to eat EVERYTHING in the cupboards. However I have no mustard powder, therefore cannot guarantee a thorough purge, and I've already eaten 3 portions of yogurt.

I don't think the void is my stomach, but I can't work out what it is that I need.

I want Boyfriend to love me, want me, keep me safe, but I'm becoming even more of a clingy emotional moody cow every day, and I'm so paranoid that he can't put up with me, he's going to dump me, which just makes me even more needy.

Argh.

I'm working so hard to keep my disordered eating tendancies at bay, when half the time I want to embrace them, let them become who I am because surely that will be better than the inner turmoil. I can't be taken seriously as having disordered eating, because my BMI isn't low enough, I don't purge enough and sometimes I manage "normal" eating patterns because at work or with family, I don't want them to suspect, or to accuse me of attention seeking.

Remember. It's all my head. I'm just like everyone else, and if I really wanted to be happy, I would be.

1 comment:

Lola Snow said...

gah! Calm down there GG. OK. One at a time. You know all these, but it never hurts to have someone beat you around the head with the obvious:

1 - good luck getting fat on yogurt, lets be realistic about this, how would that actually work? Even if you drank a keg of yogurt in one sitting, you'd probably not process half of it anyway (actually you'd probably projectile vomit it involuntarily, but y'know potato, potarto etc)

2 - You're depressed, depression makes you doubt yourself, gives you low self esteem, and makes you more self critical. If you happen to be leaning towards those anyway, goes without saying you are going to suffer more when you are low. Your boyfriend loves you, chill Winston. Be honest. Say;
"My dearest lover I'm on lots of drugs and still depressed as f*cksticks. If I'm irritating the crap out of you I AM really sorry, it's just I'm feeling isolated and scared, and you make me feel so much happier. I won't be like this forever etc" If possible hand over a case of beer at the same time.

3 - You are doing just fine with the recovery process. You have more than your fair share to contend with, so under the circumstances you are at the top of the class. Don't beat yourself up, ED severity is not dependant on a low weight nor is self worth. You only think that because you are sick. No matter how thin you get, you will still never REALLY see it, so it actually doesn't matter what weight you are. Your brain ain't working right (I know, hypocracy to the max, you may come and be reciprocally hypocritical on my comments anytime you like, i encourage it)

Long and Short? You are a bit wonky and a bit mentalist, but you carry it off excellently. It's a rough patch, and it will pass. Just make sure you hang about to see whats on the other side

Lola x

PS You know where I am if you need to vent!