Tuesday, 11 November 2008

The Clown Photo

The sad clown photos were taken by a friend of mine as part of her photography project. I love those pictures, I loved dressing up and messing around with make up and clingfilm and stockings for my friend's photographs. Two of my friends have asked me to pose for them, one for an underwear shoot and the other for a burlesque style piece using a chaise lounge. I really want to do them, but since this photo was taken a few months ago, I've not been very nice to my body. I lost 20 pounds, I've gained back about 6 pounds now because I kept collapsing, but my breasts are ruined. To put it bluntly, they look deflated. My thighs are still large and scarred, and I haven't got a nice toned stomach because I don't have the energy to work out.
I look at that clown photo, and I miss my body when it was just a little bit fat. It had potential, I should have just toned it up rather than starved it. I miss those little dimples on my arms, and the way my body wasn't covered in bruises just from sitting in the bath or crossing my legs. I'm in limbo, and part of me says that if I've ruined it this much, I might as well resume the restricting and exercise, and get THIN. Right now I just look beaten, run down and all I can see is the fat creeping back on. I need to stop hiding in bed and get out there, walk, swim, run. Stop mindlessly eating crap and pay attention to my food. I have to eat [apparently!] so I should ensure that it's the best food, to improve my skin, hair, nails. I need to get back on the multivitamins and drink more water. I'm aiming for healthy and toned.

With more pronounced hipbones.


Hannah said...

really love these photos, u have a very clever and talented friend.

Lola Snow said...

not to mention AWESOME hair.

Fear not about your deflated boobies, mine are like a pair of Spaniels ears :( I'm such a catch... I wonder why no man has snapped me up? What is wrong with them? Is the scarred, droopy boobed, chipped teeth, walking corpse with commitment issues, not attractive to them???

Gutter Girl said...

Actually... Mine are heading for the spaniel ear look. However, that little voice says "Hey, implants can fix that, they'll be even better than before, now LOSE MORE WEIGHT". I'm sabotaging her by scoffing biscuits when my housemates are home and I can't purge. It makes me feel like sh*t but at least she isn't winning now.